I didn't expect that Wallpaper* would feature something actually very personally striking. The October issue was co-edited by Rei Kawakubo, Zaha Hadid and Louise Bourgeois. Kawakubo struck me as intellectually rebellious. Bourgeois made me intensely envious as she seemed to be constantly aware of her ambiguities but also able to express them in sublimated rage through her works.

I have in the past intentionally avoided introspection and self-analysis as it tended to push me to despair. I suddenly miss the uncertain process of deliberate self-discovery. I realise that my Christian dogmatism and intellectual adventure have actually led me to think more philosophically about the meaning of MY life. Finding myself in the dark night of the soul was a beautiful struggle. It sure has made me appreciate meaning and purpose...

Where am I now? I fear that having abandoned a reflective stance, my philosophy has been inadvertently shaped by something that I want to avoid. Postmodernism. Materialism. Outward style. Have I turned into a popular culture clone? I hope not.

I am now listening to Mozart's piano sonatas by Alicia de la Rocha. After being ill, it's nice not to watch any TV.