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From jitters to relief

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 22:19:37 +0000

One's anxieties surface strongly when there is cognitive dissonance. Unexplainable as it is, for me it was very palpable that even ice cream couldn't take it away. Not that I eat through my anxieties out, but because I couldn't think of anything to relieve me from them.

As I say, unexplainable...

But I think this was what most McCain supporters felt. They thought that John McCain would win the American election, but they knew that he wouldn't. The US election night was quite special. I got hooked into it that I slept with my computer still running the BBC coverage. I am an complete sucker for maps and statistics - so the television coverage was perfect for me.

I was happy that Obama won purely because of the symbolism of his victory. I don't think there would be a lot of changes in US politics, but there would be a marked change of attitudes from people around the world. It is a nice thought that things would be different. That Guantanamo Bay would be demolished. That imperialistic arrogance be replaced by humble reconciliation. As a cynic It would have been very easy to think that if America voted for Bush, they deserve him. And if McCain and Palin won, America deserved them. But no. I think I am way past being a pessimistic cynic. I still have some hope for the Philippines..

Having said that, I think Obama is charming and a very good orator. He is convincing. Very convincing. Which makes him a bit dangerous really.

...I am feeling better now. Which is again, unexplainable.

Sudden intense introspection

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 21:15:24 +0000

I didn't expect that Wallpaper* would feature something actually very personally striking. The October issue was co-edited by Rei Kawakubo, Zaha Hadid and Louise Bourgeois. Kawakubo struck me as intellectually rebellious. Bourgeois made me intensely envious as she seemed to be constantly aware of her ambiguities but also able to express them in sublimated rage through her works.

I have in the past intentionally avoided introspection and self-analysis as it tended to push me to despair. I suddenly miss the uncertain process of deliberate self-discovery. I realise that my Christian dogmatism and intellectual adventure have actually led me to think more philosophically about the meaning of MY life. Finding myself in the dark night of the soul was a beautiful struggle. It sure has made me appreciate meaning and purpose...

Where am I now? I fear that having abandoned a reflective stance, my philosophy has been inadvertently shaped by something that I want to avoid. Postmodernism. Materialism. Outward style. Have I turned into a popular culture clone? I hope not.

I am now listening to Mozart's piano sonatas by Alicia de la Rocha. After being ill, it's nice not to watch any TV.

Detaining

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 23:18:55 +0000

...someone under the Mental Health Act is not an easy affair. It is so emotionally draining.

Today I did one. In this job, you face a steep learning curve. Not much with knowledge and clinical skills but more of politics.

Strangely enough, when I got home, I couldn't bear cooking. For the first time, I had something very English. Baked beans and chips! And lots of Swedish meatballs. And 2/3 bottle of cheap white wine - which wasn't that bad actually. And ice cream. I won't be surprised if I become fat. But the last time I weighed myself, I was 9 stone 10lb. Damn.

I also watched 8 Women. An Ozon homage to Agatha Christie. I loved the theatrical style and the singing. And the OTT drama. Films should be like this. An escapist dream. Made me forget momentarily of the world of forensic psychiatry, only to have "Studies in Forensic Psychiatry" as bedside reading.

Agatha Christie. Hmmm. Brings me back to university.

Another world

Wed, 15 Oct 2008 22:36:51 +0000

How strange it is to find yourself in a mental limbo when confusion strikes only to realise that you are actually experiencing what another person feels. Projective identification. It is very palpable and disturbing especially when it is paranoia and self-loathing.

I cope by wearing torquoise socks and patent shoes. And by dreaming of a holiday in Buenos Aires or Moscow. And by stroking my little Col col.

I am now an official permanent resident

Wed, 28 May 2008 20:21:01 +0000

... of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and the Northern Ireland.

I personally went to Glasgow to hand over my application. The Home Office people were very nice except the security people at the gate who were rude and suspicious. I learned in the process that I got 23/24 in the Life in the UK Test which was cool. I bet I got the question about benefits wrong. To test your knowledge, click here. We couchsurfed on our first night with a wonderful Scottish guy who made us feel at home. We stayed at his niece and nephews room, and we were surrounded by giant fluffy stuffed animals, which was rather cute. The next day we went to stay at the Abode to treat ourselves. I always had this vision of Glasgow to be full of poverty but actually it is quite a cosmopolitan city with lots of interesting quirky places. We found this really cool second hand antique shop in the West End. We were tempted to get the breakfast tray with the portraits of the Royal Family but decided otherwise. It would have been a classy present for my newly acquired status.

The whole week was very relaxed and quiet. After sticking to a daily menu, we ended up eating out lots. It was pretty much international really - Japanese twice, Persian, and Spanish. Caroline stayed with us for a few days and we went out to see the Felice Brothers who were surprisingly good. Before I saw them, I saw read something from Napster saying they were Americana. But the singer was brilliant, and the washboard player was sexy.

Bank Holiday Monday was supposed to be an event with the 3volution festival. But we ended up disappointed and windswept. Hercules and the Love Affair without Antony Hegarty was boring and lifeless. CSS and the New Young Pony Club didn't pique my interest.

Today is my last annual leave day and I'm looking forward to work. Although I know I will be swamped by work and paper work, I think being away from work for too long is quite enervating.

A song

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 23:46:43 +0000

I love this song

Happy Easter!

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 16:27:37 +0000

It's Easter. The most important date in the Christian calendar. I suppose it should be spent in celebration. Celebrating new life. And it's not a coincident that I'm starting my blog again. It has a new look. It still needs a lot of work but I am quite happy with it's look now. I've abandoned blogger and now using movable type, which I think has a better interface. Something that I understand!

What have I done on my Easter holiday so far?

Ikea shopping
Spring cleaning

I plan to go to a church service today, for a change. Not that I am becoming religious again. I just want to experience the culture of Easter. It's a shame that I don't know any choirs doing any of Bach's passions. Actually I do. Somewhere in Sunderland, a choir is performin St. John's Passion.

For an update, here is a list of what's happening in my life:

I'm now doing a higher training post in forensic psychiatry. Albeit, I still don't have a job for August. I went for an interview in Scotland 2 a week ago, and from the website, I learned today that I was ranked #5 out of 16 applicants. A bit depressing, but I should have done better in the interview. There were a lot of Scotland specific questions that I failed to give very good answers to.
I'll be a permanent UK resident in May (pending Home Office approval). It costs a fortune though. I have to pay £950 for the visa! I also have to take this stupid Life in the UK test. But at least I would be able to apply for a British passport soon. So I wouldn't have to apply for a Schengen visa anymore! I'm looking forward to that time.

Just to remind myself, I need to practise lifelong learning at work.

I have realised that I haven't been very good at doing it. Case report for my portfolio? Never done that. Even reflective jotting of things - pretty much like blogging, isn't it. So I suppose, I would be writing about my reflections about work in this blog. I have forgotten about wanting to continue developing. I blame it all to MMC and MTAS, which still winds me up big time. I suppose my previous consultant's impression about me was pretty spot on. I need to read, read, read. And read some more. Which in the past was my wont. To be honest, I haven't really read much for the past several months. And I need to do a lot of reading. And writing. And expressing myself.

Keypoints (as reminder):

Lifelong learning is a process of continuously scrutinising and building on your practice to be the best doctor you can be
Always have three questions in your mind: where am I going? how am I getting on? where to next?
Use electronic tools that provide filtered information at the point of care because you cannot hope to stay up to date on everything
Keep a learning portfolio so that you can see how you have already developed and how you can develop in the future
Keep your learning efforts alive by discussin them with your peers and supervisors

So happy resurrection then!

I hope this works

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 21:47:53 +0000

This isn't as user friendly as expected

Hello

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 22:04:28 +0000

This is a test

I just finished installing Movable Type 4!

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 01:58:28 +0000

Welcome to my new blog powered by Movable Type. This is the first post on my blog and was created for me automatically when I finished the installation process. But that is ok, because I will soon be creating posts of my own!